


well, at first i thought i’d have to bear this weight by myself

by lostinbooks



Series: it’s just another downpour, don’t let it get the best of you [3]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: (while ignoring that i have issues too haha), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Butterflies, Canon Compliant, Connie: no you're not and we're going to talk about it, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fear, Gen, Panic Attack, Picnics, Spoilers for Episode: 01e08 Serious Steven, Spoilers for Episode: s01e03 Cheeseburger Backpack, Spoilers for Episode: s01e04 Together Breakfast, Spoilers for Episode: s01e05 Frybo, Spoilers for Episode: s01e10 Steven's Lion, Steven: i'm fine! :D, Surprises, Talking, Talking through a new fear, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:01:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24396178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lostinbooks/pseuds/lostinbooks
Summary: Title taken from Alec Benjamin's song "Demons".Steven and Connie have a nice picnic. At least, that was the plan.
Relationships: Connie Maheswaran & Steven Universe
Series: it’s just another downpour, don’t let it get the best of you [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1756576
Comments: 5
Kudos: 27





	well, at first i thought i’d have to bear this weight by myself

“Welcome to the Wild Maple Woods!” Connie grinned as she spun around, a few butterflies startling and taking flight at the motion. She expected to see a starry-eyed Steven or even an excited Steven - he liked all the new things she had shown him. Connie was sure he would like this one too. She couldn’t _wait_ to share all her old haunts with her friend! 

Heh, it still felt odd to think that. She had a _friend._

What Connie _didn’t_ expect was to find her friend cowering behind Lion. Her bravado fled as she walked around the big pink magical lion. “Steven? Is everything-is everything okay? I don’t think there are any, um, monsters here.” But what if there were? She should have checked just in case, but she didn’t know how - the woods were too far away for her parents to take time out of their schedules to drive her, and she couldn’t have asked Steven for Lion. Lion was _his_ Magical Destiny Animal, not hers, and she didn’t even know how to control him! 

_Could_ Steven fight them off by himself? What if he got hurt? She had a first aid kit in her backpack so she _could_ fix him up if he got injured. But she couldn’t fight. She was a liability! If Steven got hurt, if he had to fight monsters, it would be her fault. What if he didn’t want to be her friend anymore because of it?! 

Focus Connie! 

“It’s not that,” Steven mumbled. 

Connie took a seat next to him, hesitantly leaning against Lion. “What is it then?” 

“I uh, um.” Steven bit his lip, looking everywhere but her before blurting out, “Idon’twanttobeattackedbythebutterfliesbutIdidn’twanttotellyou’causeIwasscaredofwhatyou’dthink!” Whining, he curled into a ball. 

Oh no. All of Connie’s fears got pushed into the back burner at the sight. What did Mom do when she had a panic attack? “St-Steven?” He didn’t respond. She rested a hand on his back. “Is this-is this okay?” He nodded. 

“Can you take a deep breath for me?” After a moment, his back rose and fell underneath her hand. “That was good, can you take another one?” He did. 

They spent some time like that. 

{%%%%%}

“Sorry,” Steven murmured as he uncurled, slumping against Lion instead. “I-I didn’t mean for you to see that.” 

“It’s okay.” Now was not the time to laugh, absolutely not but- “Did you say _butterflies attacked_ you?”

“Yeah, on our mission last week,” He groaned, turning to face her. “They look super big when they’re on your eyes.” 

“Huh.” That was a new one. She had never heard of butterflies _attacking_ people before, unless- “Did you have anything sweet on you?” 

“Well, we were in the Strawberry Battlefield and I crashed in the bushes and got strawberries smashed all over me. Does that count?” 

Connie grinned at _that_ mental image. “Yep! Butterflies love sweet things. That must’ve been why they swarmed you.” 

“Really? It’s not ‘cause I have delicious blood?” 

“That’s mosquitos and who told you that?” 

“Amethyst. She’s the purple one.” 

Connie shook her head - she had a feeling she’d be doing that a lot today - and got up. “Butterflies aren’t dangerous. They’re super important for ecosystems as prey for bats and birds. They also don’t drink your blood, and your blood isn’t delicious except to specific insects like mosquitos and fleas.” 

Steven peeked around Lion, staring at the myriads of butterflies nestled in branches, and then turned back to her. “You’re _sure_ they won’t swarm me?” 

“Yep!” Connie offered her hand, ignoring the warmth in her cheeks, and a smile. “Now let’s have a picnic.” 

Hauling him up, the two kids walked around Lion, giving him a few pats. “Bye Lion!” Steven waved to his pet, who snorted and loped off into a portal. “Oh geez, I hope he remembers we’re here.” 

Connie giggled. “Don’t worry, I have a phone. Wait, do your caretakers have a phone?” 

“My caretakers-oh you mean the Gems!” Steven tapped his chin. “I don’t think so.” 

“Oh.” The two kids looked back at where Lion had been. “Guess we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.” 

They plunged into the woods. ”How did you find out about this place?” Steven swung their arms back and forth with a grin. 

They were _holding hands._ Was this a regular friend thing? Connie hadn't held hands with Joey or Piper. Maybe it was just a Steven friend thing? “I’m sorry, could you repeat the question?” 

Steven did, letting go of her hand as they sat beneath a tree devoid of any butterflies. “This park is near one of my old neighborhoods,” Connie explained, laying a blanket down. “I used to come here and read for hours.” She glanced at Steven, who was busy setting the picnic out. 

Would he hear? Would he care? Was this the deal-breaker? “I would even, heh, act-act out my favorite scenes.” 

“Like a play?” Connie nodding, squeezing her eyes shut. She didn’t want to see the judgmental look that would surely on Steven’s face, as he’d laugh and tell her how ridiculous and childish that was, just like in 6th grade, and he'd want to stop being her friend- “That sounds like fun!” Huh? Connie opened her eyes to find a starry-eyed Steven grinning at her. 

“Could _we_ do that? What books do I read? What character should I be? Wait which characters did you use? Could we act something out right now?!” 

Connie stared at him. He didn’t care? He wasn’t going to make fun of her for it? 

A mirthful laugh burst from her lips as Connie shook her head. Of course, he wanted to try, he’s _Steven!_ Steven tilted his head with a puzzled frown. “Is everything okay? Was it something I said? I’m sorry, I didn’t know!” 

This sweet, oblivious boy was going to be the death of her, Connie just knew it. “It’s-it’s not you Steven-well it is you, but it’s in a good way I promise!” 

A relieved smile broke across his face. "Oh good. I was scared there. But, do you-do you want to talk about it? That seemed pretty heavy." 

Connie shook her head again, wiping away a stray tear. “It's in the past, it doesn't matter now. Um, what series have you read?” 

Steven accepted the blatant topic change. “I really like the No Home Boys, Susan Drawn, Peter Johnson, oh!” He snapped his fingers. “I’m reading  The Peculiar Nicholas Club right now! It’s about these super-talented kids who all took this super special test and pass it and this old guy made the test so the team of kids could defeat this bad guy in a school! It’s really good!” 

“That sounds interesting! Why don’t we trade series the next time we meet up? I haven’t read any of those, but you _have_ to read the Unfamiliar Familiar.” 

“Okay! I can’t wait!” Steven beamed, looking around. “So what kinds of butterflies live here?” 

“Ooh, I’m glad you asked! I spent one summer cataloging them all. Don’t worry, none of them are poisonous to humans-“ 

“Poisonous?” 

“-there’s almond wings, maples which is where the forest gets its name, charts-“ 

“Connie.” 

“-even exhausted pink butterflies! This is even a protected park-“ 

“Connie.” 

“-no danger of them dying out! There’s one type I hope we can see-“ 

“Connie!” Steven whisper-screamed. She turned around, hand flying to her mouth to hide her grin. A butterfly perched on the very tip of her best friend’s nose. Mouth in a small ‘o’, Steven’s pupils were huge with apprehension as he crossed his eyes to keep the butterfly within his sight. He gulped as his eyes darted to hers for a quick second. “It’s not going to hurt me right? It’s not poisonous?” 

“No to both. That’s a cerulean princess, they migrate here every summer!” Connie shuffled closer. “I’ve never seen one up close before.” 

His shoulders relaxed. “It’s pretty.” Connie nodded. The butterfly was all black, with a stripe of cerulean blue running parallel in the middle of each wing. Large white splotches sprinkled the wingtips. 

After a few minutes, during which Steven became readily more purple-faced, the butterfly flapped away. The two kids watched it land on a nearby hydrangea before turning back to their picnic. 

Steven sucked in a huge breath. “I thought it’d never leave.” 

“Were you,” Connie bit her lip, trying not to smile as she reached for an apple, “were you holding your breath the entire time?” 

Steven nodded, taking a bite out of his sandwich, “Mmhm! I didn’ wan’ to scare em’ away.” He swallowed. “Thanks for understanding. About all this. It’s stupid y’know?” Steven waved his hand with a rueful smile. “Being afraid of _butterflies.”_

“It’s not stupid, it’s understandable. They _did_ fly into your eyes; I would be scared if an animal did that to me,” Connie pointed out. 

“Yeah but I’m supposed to be a Crystal Gem now! Crystal Gems aren’t scared of anything!” Steven’s face crumpled as he gripped the bottom of his t-shirt. “They never get scared unless I do something wrong which I keep doing. I-I destroyed the Sea Spire, I used a gem shard for the Frybo costume and hurt _everybody,_ Pearl got poofed because she was talking to _me!_ The Gems could’ve gotten hurt from my together breakfast, and-and Buck and Jenny and Sour Cream could- they could’ve _died_ from that stupid moss! I threw the desert gem on the sand and it started rebuilding and they-they could’ve gotten hurt, it’s all my fault!” His shout shook the trees, sending a multitude of butterflies into the air. 

“Steven…” His eyes flew open, staring at her in shock. He must’ve forgotten she was there. Dread rolled down Connie’s throat, coalescing into a lump that locked down her tongue, as Steven curved his lips into a wobbly smile. How long had he been telling himself that? Was this the first time he had voiced his worries out loud? 

That all sounded horrible. But she would have to ask about the stories behind each of the events later. His life was just so magical! 

“Oh, I didn’t-I’m sorry, you weren’t-I didn’t mean to, you-you weren’t supposed to-to see that. Sorry, it’s-I’m fine. I’m fine.” He palmed away his tears, taking a deep shuddering breath. “Woo! Sorry, I’ve been talking all about me, how has-how have you been?” His eyes shone with unshed tears, at odds with the too-bright smile on his face, as Steven leaned towards her. 

Connie had a choice. She could let her friend, her first friend here, keep on doing this - keep on apologizing for _having feelings and letting them out_ \- and confront him about it. Or, she could take his lead and just forget all about it. It was obvious - from when he had curled behind Lion, scared of butterflies for a good reason, and apologizing for the perceived stupidity in that - what her answer was going to be. 

“Steven, how long have you been thinking about all that?” 

Steven’s face dropped for a second before he affixed a smile on again. “I just mess up, it’s what I do! I get-I get lucky when stuff works, like the bagels at the Sea Spire, and then I mess it up like-like when I-I forgot the statue at-at home.” His voice trembled as his smile stretched across his cheeks, “It’s what I do! I want to be a Crystal Gem, I want to-to _succeed_ on missions and protect humanity as they do. And I’m-I summoned my shield! But it’s-it’s not enough. I’m just a-a good for nothing, useless, half-human kid! I'm a screw-up. I’m not Mom, and that’s-they want her back! She’s better and-and everyone loved her, and I know that they see me and want-they want her back. But they have-they just….” 

Steven looked down at his hands before folding them in his lap. His voice was quiet. “They just have me.” 

Silence reigned for some time. His life may be more magical, but it seemed much more dangerous too if these were the things he dealt with. “Well, I think you’re pretty great.” Steven looked up. Connie gave him a small smile. “It sounds like I’m going to have to keep telling you that until you accept it.” 

“Oh.” Steven’s face went slack. “You don’t-you aren’t-you aren’t, scared?” 

A nervous chuckle slipped out of her mouth. “I’m scared out of my mind. But that’s okay, because I’ve got you, and you’ve got me.” Connie reached for his hands, ignoring the warmth in her cheeks as he stared at her. “We’re friends, and friends share their problems.” 

“They do?” Connie nodded, biting her lip as Steven lowered his head and fiddled with her fingers. “I don’t-I’ve never done that with my friends before.” 

“Really?” 

“I don't wanna-I'd just be bothering them, if I said anything. And it's not like they know about the Gems or gem stuff either. You do though, so.” He shrugged. The _I trust you_ went unsaid. 

“Can I hug you?” Those weren’t the words she expected to say. She wasn’t a touchy-feely person, but this was her _best friend._

Steven nodded though, letting go of her fingers. He instead wrapped his arms around her stomach, laying his head on her right thigh. 

Blush exploded across her cheeks at the intimate position. She didn’t like Steven like _that,_ especially since they were just friends. Steven was just a touchy-feely person and he didn’t mean anything by it! Her blush faded as he trembled, his quiet sobs reaching her ears. 

Should she say something? What was she supposed to do? He didn’t want to talk obviously, he was _crying._ Connie bit her lip, stroking his curls. He unconsciously leaned towards her touch. She took it as a sign to continue. She wanted to say something, anything, but it wasn’t the right time. Personally, Connie didn’t _like_ to cry, but once every month was necessary - to let out built-up emotions. Steven seemed to have a lot of those. When was the last time he had cried? 

Time passed, his quiet sniffles draining to nothing, his body stilling underneath Connie’s hand. Steven disentangled himself from her, lying beside her instead. His eyes were red, dried tear tracks clinging to his face, but his smile was the most genuine Connie had seen yet. “Thanks. For-for all of this. It was, it was a good day.” 

She shuffled closer, thigh to thigh, before slumping onto her back. “I’m glad I could help.” She could be useful in _some_ way to him. 

He pulled at her hand before freezing. “I’m sorry, is this okay?” 

“Y-yeah,” Connie mumbled, face warming as Steven smiled happily and flipped onto his back too. They had held hands before. This wasn’t something new that she should freak out over. 

But that had been in a life-or-death situation, on instinct. _This_ was a conscious decision. 

“Why are you friends with me?” Connie looked over at Steven. He stared straight ahead. “I put you in danger and it’s going to keep happening. I’m not funny or interesting, and-and I don’t read the same books as you-“ 

“Are you kidding me?” Steven‘s brows rose at her question. “You’re amazing! You saved me multiple times when we first met!” She gestured to his gem. “You have _powers!_ That’s so cool! You’re kind, and you _are_ funny. And you-you’re, you’re my best friend.” She gulped. “If anything, I don’t know why you’re friends with _me.”_

The change was astounding. Steven turned his head so quick she was scared he might have cracked his neck, a flabbergasted look on his face. “What?! How can you say that? You’re amazing! You’re so smart and cool and know so much about things I didn’t even know exist! Like a trawler, what the heck is that word?” 

Connie giggled as Steven continued, “It’s a really weird word! But you’re my best friend too, and I’m really-I’m glad I met you. And I don’t know why you want-wait we said that already.” Connie burst into laughter at his confused look, a watery smile spreading across her face as she thanked him. 

It was a nice sentiment. But he was just saying those things. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Can you spot all the references?
> 
> (The cerulean princess was based off of the red admiral butterfly. I didn't talk about it in the story, but one of the flower meanings for hydrangeas is heartfelt emotions & gratitude for being understood.)


End file.
